Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
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Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
This anagram machine is out of order.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Cheers Twitter.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
scared to check what name she chose
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!