Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
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I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope