Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
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Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.