Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
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*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour