Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
You Might Also Like
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.