Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
You Might Also Like
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?