Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
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Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
This is sending me to another galaxy
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi