hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
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hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
I needed a laugh this morning.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Very problematic
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.