Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
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If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.