Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
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ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
repaired
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
New Tinder profile.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.