*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
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i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer