@UrbanDouchebag: Hug a tree. Then rub your hands along it's trunk and tell it how knotty it is.
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@BevisSimpson: Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias "Who is having alot of plight 2012]
@mejustbeth: Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn't hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
@NJPsychDoc: My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his better half. I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife to him as the lesser of two evils.
@robotmouthfarts: [Half of my body is already in the anaconda] "Is this a date? This feels like a date."