I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
You Might Also Like
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.