Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
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I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.