“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
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My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
these two trucks have the same bed length
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
relationship goals
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.