Huge, if true.
You Might Also Like
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.