Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
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My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.