i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
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Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I’m calling the cops.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.