Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
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ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers