Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
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Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”