Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
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[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.