He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
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Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.