@Smooheed: Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
@InternetHippo: 911 OPERATOR (female): What’s your emergency
GUY (being murdered): Haha nothing what are you up to
@BrassBallsCJ: How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this...
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I'm running late.
@heatherlou_: My bank statement is just a record of everything I've eaten for the last month.
@68Cly29: The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to 'gamenight' and she brings Monopoly.
@TedOfficialPage: If Mitt Romney was president, we'd blame everything on him. "Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn't this cold when Obama was president."