Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
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My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
translated into Canadian
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.