@Smooheed: Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
@PaperWash: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
@TheRolo: "Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff"
I feel it says all u need to know about me
"He's drunk with a cheeseburger"
@Ideal_Victoria: I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
@SodomyClown: If someone says "I will do anything for you" lean in really close and say "There's a body in my basement and I can't eat it all by myself."
@thestlouisan: Who's the idiot who named the song 'The Sound of Silence' and not