“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
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Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
WHY?!
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.