“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
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[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Blew my mind.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.