“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
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I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever