Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
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if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.