Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
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Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?