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I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
😆this is so true
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend