No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
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I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”