*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
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My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
My wedding will be open casket.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”