*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
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I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Lmbo
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES