HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
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*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.