HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
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Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*