Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
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[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.