I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
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Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Support your local cemetery
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.