Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
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[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
how much for the angry fruit?
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
School be like
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.