The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
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Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Not today. 😅
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
2023 was just a warmup
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd