Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
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If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Seductively sings in Klingon.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.