Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
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I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.