[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
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I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
FRED: right
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.