[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
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I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf