[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
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Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore