Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
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“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Hmm, not sure about this change
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help