Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
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A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?