Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
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Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
(2022)
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.