why he move like a hotel transylvania character
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Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
my one true gender
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”