humans only use 10% of their treadmills
You Might Also Like
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”