i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
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“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Seems kinda suspicious
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon