Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
You Might Also Like
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
This checks out
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.