Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
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Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.