Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
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I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all