Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
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Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Trying
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆