Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
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Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.